Surely You Can't Be Serious
by JSValentine
Summary: Calliope Hayworth, pureblood and rockstar, was the fifth wheel to the Marauders. Technically if you asked her the Marauders were the extra wheels b/c she was in James Potter's life first. Anyway this is the story of her life with Marauders from basically birth until shortly after Halloween of 1981.


_A/N: Everything from the Harry Potter world belongs to J.K. Rowling. Because if I owned the Marauders, I'd have better things to do than write Fanfiction. Also, feel free to review. It would make my day_.

* * *

I, Calliope Hayworth, former lead singer of Sex in the Shrieking Shack, am about to die. Death is literally beating down my door; well Death Eaters anyway. I never thought that this would happen to me. I always knew that I was going to die, but never in my life did I assume that I'd die at 20 and alone. I've always assumed that I'd die at like 120 with my boys around me. My boys; my biggest regret is that I'll probably never see them again. I can remember the last time I saw each of their faces.

The last time I saw James Potter, my Jaime, was a few weeks ago. He was at his house with his beautiful wife Lily, and his perfect son Harry. I can still see love radiating from all of their faces. The last time I saw Sirius Black was technically last night/early this morning. He was asleep in his new flat. He looked so peaceful. The last time I saw Remus Lupin was months ago. We were warding Jaime's house. He looked exhausted, a combination of his work recruiting other werewolves to our cause and the fact that the full moon was just two days ago. Despite his apparent exhaustion he was just as sweet, kind, and caring as ever.

They've grown up so much. None of them are the little boys I used to know. James isn't the little boy next door that I grew up with. Sirius isn't the adorable little rascal that could use his puppy dog eyes to get out of trouble just as easily as he could cause it. Remus isn't the scared boy that always expected his friends to shun him as soon as they learned his secret. No, now they're all strong, confident, mature (if you catch James and Sirius on a good day) men that are instrumental parts of this war that could change the fate of the wizarding world. And I, honestly, just want to lock them up in The Shrieking Shack until the end of time, but I can't because this war made them. Without this stupid war there's a better chance of Sirius having been loved as a child, James would get to spend his entire life being an idiot with ridiculous hair, and maybe Remus wouldn't have gotten bitten and he could just be a really sweet, smart, earnest boy.

It's thoughts like that make me want to destroy this Lord Voldemort, and then take over the world myself. I would do anything for those boys. I've loved them all from the moment I met them. I've lived a part of my life for them, and now I'm here in my house prepared to die for them. Indirectly of course, the reason the Death Eaters are beating down my door is a bit more personal than trying to find James, Sirius, or Remus; but it's an irrefutable fact that the reason I'm preparing for a major battle is because I love them.

How did I even get in this situation? I guess to answer that I'd have to start at the beginning. Not the actual beginning: the one where Kleio Hayworth and Dorea Potter found out that they were pregnant at the same time and then raised their children to be best friends; but the one that began the slow progression to this moment.

***SB****

It all started about when were about fifteen. It was the boy's fifth year at Hogwarts, and I was finishing up my second tour. I was sitting up playing "Requiem for a Dream" on the piano in the desperate hope that I could finally fall asleep after my concert in Budapest, when and owl flew into my window and scared the pants off of me. In my delicate fear and exhaustion strained state of mind, my first reaction was who the bloody fuck would send me an owl at this time of night (the fact that the sun was up and it was about an hour after dawn was completely irrelevant). After a confused and drawn out mental process of elimination, I realized that it had to be one of my boys because they're the only ones that would be inconsiderate enough to send me a letter at this ungodly hour. I almost started another painful mental process of elimination to figure out who wrote the letter and what they wanted, but I fortunately avoided a massive headache by simply deciding to let the bird in and read the letter.

Interestingly enough my letter was from Sirius. This is what it said:

_My dearest Lyla, _

_ I know that you're going to be incredibly upset that I once again have refused to heed your marvelous advice about not fooling around with random birds, but I really need your help. The last bird I "dated" is a little crazy. I can't get her to understand that while what we had was enjoyable, it's over now. She's convinced we're dating and has proceeded to bruit that information to the entire student body of Hogwarts. I'm constantly avoiding her, and I can't get any other ladies at Hogwarts to talk to me. I can assure you that I have never in my life spent so much time hiding alone in broom closets. James can't even stalk Evans properly because I've commandeered the map to avoid this girl at all costs. If you truly care for the happiness of your Siri and Jaime, you will figure out how to help me._

_With my deepest affection,_

_Siri_

_P. S. Lollipop, I will kill him if you don't help him soon – Jaime_

_P. P. S. Calli, if it's not too much trouble could you send some chocolate marzipan? Thanks so much – Remus._

My boys are ridiculous. If I hadn't been so furious at Sirius, I would have died laughing. In fact, if I weren't about to die right now. I would be dying laughing. Anyway, at that time I my only thought was **'I'm going to fucking kill him. He doesn't have the decency to listen to me, but he still wants me to help him. Sirius Black is a selfish prick and I shouldn't help him. . . . But I have to. But how?' Poor girl**. I shook my head, that girl just didn't understand that Sirius had no interest in being with her, or anyone for that matter. So I decided that I needed to either make it obvious that he's interested in other girls or make her not want to be with him. Then a little devilish voice in my head suggested that I do both. ** No one wants to be with a two-timing man whore that's cheating on them with someone that they had no chance of competing with, like a beautiful,talented, wealthy, and famous rock star. Now who does Sirius know that fits that description? Hmmm . . . let me think . . . Oh yeah, that's right: Me! ** Then the big question was how to get caught shagging Sirius, without actually shagging Sirius. Then it hit me! It hit me like bludger to the face. I would have a Marauder Sleepover, and then leave very conspicuously and veryscantily clad. Everyone would believe that Sirius and I were together and that girl would be running for the hills faster than you can say Quidditch. It's perfect! Sirius gets rid of the girl, I get to see my boys; everyone's happy. So with my plan perfected, I proceeded to write a letter informing them of my impending arrival.

_Dear Moony_

_ Let Sirius know that I got his letter, and I have graciously decided to help him. I will be at the castle at exactly ten o'clock tonight. I'll need you to drop the cloak and the map underneath the One-Eyed Witch statue. Make sure Sirius listens to one of the Howlers we keep on file about shagging random girls in broom closets. Additionally, there will be a supplemental Howler waiting for him in your room after lunch; be sure he listens to that too. I can't wait to see you guys. Tonight is going to be a lot of fun._

_Much love,_

_Calli_

_P.S. Make sure there's food and drinks in the room tonight. We're having a sleepover._

_P.P.S. By "drinks" I mean firewhiskey._

After I settled the basic preparations for the sleepover, I made the Howler for Sirius. So I sat down at my table and pulled out the little card. Then I tapped it gently with my wand and began talking to the piece of paper. "Siri," I sighed. "What am I going to do with you? I've told you at least a thousand times that these girls are not playing around when it comes to you. You are charming, charismatic, handsome, and as far as they know the heir of the Most Ancient and Noble House Black; to them you have more money than God and are more handsome than sin. Also, I solemnly swear that this is the LAST TIME I'm helping you with crazy girls. If you still decide not to listen to my advice, and you get caught up in another situation with a crazy girl, I will not help you. Anyway I can't wait to see you and the boys tonight; we're going to have so much fun. All my love to you, Jamie."

Contrary to common belief Howlers do not require screaming; and once I'd finished my rather tame Howler to Sirius, I sent it off with the owl and attempted to sleep. Unfortunately, my approach to slumber was intercepted by my manager. The darling man just burst into my room and shouted. "You've got an interview for a special last minute printing of _Witch Weekly_ in an hour. So get up Calliope, my muse." After he delivered his message he exited my room, giving me the time to get up as he demanded. While getting dressed I couldn't help but sigh at how original the "my muse" nickname was. I knew at that moment that that day was going to be longest day of my life.

***JP***

At ten o'clock that night I found myself under the One-Eyed witch statue completely unable to find the cloak; which is ridiculous, because James Potter's invisibility cloak is not invisible when no one is wearing it. So I was PISSED THE FUCK OFF because once again, these boys cannot follow the simplest directions. I had no way of sneaking about the castle unseen, and no way to communicate with the boys so I contented myself with ranting inside the secret passage. "I am going to kill Remus! I ask him to do one thing. ONE THING! 'I say have the cloak in the passageway at ten,' he can't even do that. It's ten and there is no cloak, anywhere. They forgot about me, but that's fine. This is the LAST TIME I ever try to help them EVER AGAIN. And to think that I've been there for these boys for years; I could be sleeping right now. Stupid ungrateful little –"

"Lollipop, we didn't forget you. We just happened to realized that we were out of firewhiskey at nine. So I had to use to cloak to go get some to sneak into the castle and I figured I'd just pick you up and take you to our room," said the disembodied voice of James Potter.

I turned around to find him . . . but he was invisible. "Jaime! Where are you?" Jaime, needless to say, did not move or make a sound. "James Charlus Potter, you have until I count to three to reveal yourself or else I will leave and NEVER come back. Which means that Sirius will be hiding from this girl forever and Lily Evans will NEVER marry you."

I was interrupted by a deep chuckle and all of a sudden he was standing right in front of me. "C'mon Lollipop. Let's get going before you have a conniption fit. Get under here." At that moment I was so overcome by my joy at seeing my Jaime, that I almost tackled him. "Woah! Calm down, if you knock me down I'll break all of the shrunken bottles of firewhiskey I've got in my pocket. You don't want that to happen do you?" My only thought was **'NO! GOD NO, NOT THE FIREWHISKEY!'** I quickly shook my head in the negative. Jaime gave me a quick hug, then covered us with the cloak and began to exit the secret passageway and enter Hogwarts.

I -being hit with a rare moment of judicious prudence- turned to James and said, "Wait! Where's the map?"

"Oh . . . Sirius has it," Jaime replied as if that was obviously the most reasonable place for it to be. "It made him feel more comfortable to be able to see that you're on the way."

"Why the fuck are you boys so goddamn ineffective? You and Sirius have been ineffective since you realized that you didn't hate each other and had that treehouse built for you. I thought I'd solved the problem when I tore it down with my 'accidental magic,' but NOOOOOOO. You guys just decided that you two were going to become quidditch stars and you got brooms, and equipment, and a field built in your backyard; all while I had to stay indoors and master the piano and how to comport myself in polite society. You have never once in our lives together given a shred of thought for me and how I feel, but I ignored it because I love you . . . and because after a few weeks you got tired of non-stop quidditch training and started to play with me again. But tonight, I really can't get past how fucking irresponsible you are! 'Sirius has the map. It made him feel comfortable.' Did you think about the fact that we don't know who's roaming the halls? We could run into a prefect, or the head girl or boy, or your Head of House, or the HEADMASTER! James Potter, you never think!" I whisper shouted at him.

"Relax, Lollipop. Everything is going to be fine. I know this castle like the back of my hand." That was Jaime's bullshit attempt at reassuring me.

I returned with,"And how many times have you discovered some new spot or scratch on the back of your hand? Hmmm. . . . Let me think. According to the letters I get about you potentiality having all sorts of skin diseases, both magical and muggle, I would have to venture to say every other week. But back to the problem at hand. Did Remus at least tell you who's patrolling tonight?" Instead of answering, Jaime just mumbled and grunted, which is his worst deflection tactic ever.

"Jaime, you know that I love you and I'm just teasing. But really, who did Remus say was patrolling tonight? Tell me." I said while beginning to tickle him. Let it be known that James Potter is extremely ticklish. Seriously, like just barely touch his abdomen and he starts wiggling and giggling like a toddler.

Finally, after what seemed like a few seconds- it really was just a few seconds, Jaime's one weakness is ticking- Jaime told me who Remus said was patrolling: Remus himself and Lily Evans. Once I heard that, I started laughing. I couldn't help it. It was the most perfect situation ever. "So let me get this straight," I said. "We have a fifty percent chance that Remus will personally make sure that we get to your dorm easily. . . . but there's also a fifty percent chance that Lily Evans catches you doing something so outrageous that there's nothing about it anywhere in the Hogwarts handbook (sneaking a girl into the school) and maybe even achieve her dream of single-handedly disbanding the marauders by making sure their leader gets expelled. For real; you're not shitting me right now? This is great!"

I probably would have laughed forever, if Jaime hadn't looked so hurt. I mean you would have thought we were still five and Bellatrix had just announced that the only magic involved in delivering Christmas presents was our parents' ability to levitate; which was admittedly the biggest let down of my life. Anyway, Jaime just looks at me with these big, sad eyes and says, " You really think Sirius and I are ineffective? You really think I'd get expelled for sneaking a girl into school? You really think Lily hates the marauders? You really think she wants me to get expelled?"

My poor baby. His voice kept cracking with each question. You could hear his heart breaking, and mine too because I felt so bad I'd hurt him. So I did what I've always done when we've had fights like this. I hugged him, ruffled his hair and just whispered, "You're perfect," and "Everyone in their right mind loves you. Everything will be fine," over and over again until he calmed down.

After he was calm, he, like always, swatted my hand away and said, "Stop it. You're going to mess up my hair." The funniest part is he always looks at me like I just killed his best friend, which is impossible because I AMhis best friend.

Anyway, regardless of his ridiculous attachment to his equally ridiculous hair I turned to him and very kindly said to him, " My dearest, darling Jaime, it is impossible to mess up your hair, because your hair is always a mess. The day your hair is neat enough to be 'messed up,' I will hex anyone that tries to touch it; kinda like Sirius does everyday." When I said that James just started laughing, and I mean like the loudest booming man laugh I've ever heard (note that I was cackling like . . . well a witch as well, but Jaime was the real problem).

"Jaime, stop laughing so loud," I said while still cackling. "You're going to get us caught." James, still laughing as well, looked at me like he was going to say something; but before he could any words out, another voice rang out.

"Well, well, well, what have we here? It sounds like two students sneaking around the corridors, but that's impossible because there's no one here." Then the owner of the voice leaned in closer, grabbed the cloak and pulled it off of us. I almost screamed, but James** - Thank God** - covered my mouth before I blew our cover; which was really important because we hadn't really been caught it was just Remus.

"Remus! It's so great to see you. Now you wouldn't happen to be about to escort my poor, confused friend and I back to the Gryffindor common room, would you?" I said smiling at Remus.

Remus just smiled back at me and said, "Well, Miss technically as a prefect I'm supposed to report any students I find causing trouble in the halls to my Head of House. But since you are not a student here and seem to be completely lost, I find that I must do my gentlemanly duty and escort you to your destination." I cannot remember a moment before that one when Remus's eyes sparkled with so much silliness and mischief. Had I not known better, I would have thought he was James or Sirius polyjuiced to look like Remus instead of Remus himself. Jaime, instead of being impressed at how silly Remus was being, snorted and started laughing; which in turn started Remus and I laughing.

So we all just stood there in the corridor for a few minutes laughing our heads off. Finally after we calmed down a bit, James put the cloak back over our heads and we began to follow Remus up to Gryffindor Tower.

***RL***

"I hate walking through Hogwarts. Have I told you boys that? I really hate it. The castles is huge and drafty, to get anywhere you have to traverse countless flights of stairs, and the staircases fucking move. I don't have time for a staircase to all of a sudden lead to a location different than the one I intended to get to. Nobody does! Your school is ridiculous, like Jaime's hair."

"We get it, Lollipop. You don't approve of the Hogwarts floor plan, but we're almost there." Jaime said; and he wasn't lying. After about five more minutes, we reached the portrait of the Fat Lady (which guards the entrance to Gryffindor Tower)and James removed the cloak from around us. Remus said the password and the portrait swung open, allowing us into the incredibly warm common room. At that point, all I wanted to do was lay down by the fire, but James basically dragged me to staircase that led to the boys dorms saying that the fire would be on in their room. The boys started up the stairs, and were halfway to their room before they noticed I hadn't even attempted to start climbing. Jaime just looked at me with a 'What in the name of Merlin are you doing' look on his face.

"I'm so tired of stairs. I haven't slept at all today, and if we're going to hang out tonight I'm going to need to conserve my energy. I am not walking up those stairs." For a brief second both boys stared at me like I'd lost my mind, but then Remus came down, picked me up, and began to carry me bridal style all the way to their room. I wrapped my arms around his neck - as a combined thankful hug and additional security- laid my head on his shoulder, and said, "My hero." Jaime just shook his head and snorted, though to this day I'm not sure if it was amusedly or derisively.

When we finally crossed the threshold of their room, Remus put me down and called out, "Look what the cat dragged in!"

Sirius immediately sat up in his bed, and when he saw me he called out, "Lyla! What a pleasure seeing you here, but I must say: it's before midnight. It's incredibly early for you to be out."

I just sauntered over to his bed and plopped down right next to him. "Well you see, I would be sleeping, because you're right: it is way too early for me to be up. But I had to rush over here and help some poor S.O.B. out of a major life crisis, and the plan required me to be up at this ungodly hour of 11 p.m."

"You know love, if I didn't know any better I'd think that your use of the letters S.O.B. was supposed to be an insult and not the just the result of your deep abiding love for me and all things associated with me, including my initials."

"It's a good thing you don't know any better Sirius," I teased.

Right after that his tone changed from teasing to serious and he look me directly in my eyes and said, "So you say you have a plan? Let's hear it."

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_A/N: Well this is the first chapter. Tell me what you think. Hopefully it'll take me less time to write the next chapter than it did this one. That is if I get enough response to feel that this story is worth continuing. Anyway what do you think is going to happen at the sleepover? Rate, review, keep reading!_


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